brain tornado

ideas.


i could work part time, taking the kids to amelia's in the morning so i get off at noon, or maybe work three days a week. how much would i be making if i worked three 8 hour days? how much would we be saving in daycare?

what if i didn't work at all? i'd have $385 for income. ehhhh no.

then of course, me switching my schedule entirely so i can stay home during the day. full time evenings/swing.

or full time but starting at 1? four hours of daycare a day?


also random thought. DEFINITE WORM BIN.

ajumble

what is one thing i can do starting tomorrow to start appreciating who i am as a person, beautiful and healthy.

spend ONE HOUR of every night doing something with the kids. no interruptions.

i love my kids.

i look like WHAT

why do people say things like "i wish i was gutsy enough to shave my head like you"? no you don't. don't lie. i don't care. i like being different than you, why would i want you to shave your head like me? why would i look down on you or differently at you because you didn't shave it? and no you do NOT want to shave your head. you are a pretty pretty princess girl. nothing wrong with it. you're pretty, you always were, you always will be. you never wanted to shave your head, in fact, when you look at my pictures you think 'what the fuck, she looks like a boy'.

don't tell me you like the way i look when i know you don't. i don't CARE if you don't like it. just be honest. i will smile and appreciate that you told the truth for once. my style is just that. mine. i do it for myself. you don't need to like it in order to be my friend.

family?

communal living?

guineafowl
tv
garden
cooking
cleaning
children
schooling
internet
weekends
laundry
fighting
bedtimes
guests
intention?
toys
money
goat
roxy
george?
food





why aren't we already doing this?

asshole of the year?

i fucking hate aaron.

yes i wrote it down.

i hate him.

i have never ever hated someone so much in my life. and it sickens me that we had SEX and made a beautiful baby (well that part doesn't sicken me haha).

he owes me so much in child support. and he can't pay because his bills are more important. than his child. which i already knew isaiah wasn't too important to him because he moved across the fucking country. and now aaron wants to VISIT. fuck you. FUCK you. we don't want you here. we NEED your MONEY. do you know what its like to get eviction notices EVERY MONTH?! do you know what its like to not have food in the house for your kids? do you know how it is to not be able to pay for diapers?

goddammit. he is. a scary mother fucker. i can't even tell him this for fear he will flip out and take isaiah away.

i contacted a lawyer who gave me advice. i should turn in the custody papers and ask for the fees to be waived. its $400. i need to do this before the child support order goes through and his wages get garnished. i have a feeling he will not be happy.

i hate him. i absolutely have no feeling for him other than disgusting hatred.

WOMEN

sometimes i seriously HATE being a fucking chick.

though. maybe its only me. (i doubt it.)

but females of all flavors SUCK.

we fuck with men's heads. we play games. we make them fall in love with us and then we stomp on their hearts and minds. we are sexy as fuck and can make men do anything. or we're ugly as sin and they don't want anything to do with us. we're bitchy. hormonal. jealous. whiny. rude. sweet. kind. we have BOOBS. we are sick in the head. we want love but we want good sex and they don't come together.

i hate us.

ronery

my head is jumbled.

i need time for me.

i need money.

i need... someone to care about me. *sigh*

pity party.

:D

i'm so weird.