upcoming events

moving soon to our new permanent home for a long time. i can imagine us living there for years. i'm really happy and excited and i thought i'd have weird reservations about it but i don't. :)

i need to talk to bruce (new landlord/sister's dad) because i found a dog. i think he is perfect for us. he is an adult dog living in a foster home currently waiting for me and the boys to take him home. haha he doesn't know that of course, i only found him online today. but he seems so ridiculously perfect for us... he is described as being extremely loving to people of ALL ages (which is really my one and only requirement, i'm never going to bring a dog into my life that i'd be nervous to have around my kids), he is well trained in all areas of his life. i'm trying to imagine how life would be with him in it. wake up early mornings, walk him before the youngin's awake, breakfast with the fam, crate for when we're gone, when we get home, its another walk, then dinner then maybe chillaxin on the couch or more playtime outside. i'm trying not to get too excited. just hopeful. he seems perfect... his name is bowser!

jusht.

we move on christmas.

i'm excited for this house. i'm excited to start saving money. or at least paying off what needs to be paid.

i'm depressed about so much. its hard to get really truly happy. its so hard.

ahh crimmas.

it would be nice. just once. to kiss someone meaningful under the mistletoe.

"i think you kissed me. i think."

i think he likes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the world hurts

i don't know what it is, but i cannot stop feeling the pain of what we, as humans, are doing to our planet.

why are we buying our kids toy after toy, brand name after brand name, when there are children who've never seen a toy, might only have one shirt, one pair of pants, no shoes. they are starving. and we are killing them because we are not helping. if you do nothing, there will be nothing.

Albert Einstein said "Man is here for the sake of other men."

we need to help.

christmas is not about toys or what dish you're going to bring to dinner, its about love. this year i'm struggling with money. constant eviction notices, my car respossessed, enough food for only my little boys to eat. but even THAT is more than a lot of people have. i have a job, yes, i have friends and family that help, and i have the ability to help my fellow man.

i'm going to buy one gift this year. i'm going to save a child.

my world.

i wish everyone were happy.

i was asked once if i could have one super power, which would i choose? i think almost immediately i said i would want the power to make everyone happy. snap my fingers and you are happy. not ridiculously, heroin-forget-my-problems happy. just happy with who you are, where you are, who you're with. it is not that hard to be happy. it seems like people have forgotten. how do you show someone the way to happiness when there isn't a way? just BE happy.

people who don't know. me. "it's easy to say 'just be happy' when you have a good life and great kids..." blah blah. yeah right. my life is anything but easy. i am full to the brink with stress about money and raising my kids. but i do have a good life. i have friends that help if i ask. family to hang out with. a place to live (at least for now). a bed to sleep in. food to eat (sometimes). i am happy to be ALIVE! look at the leaves falling! the cold wind in your face! the rain that you avoid but secretly want to run through!

what would life be like if we all did and said the things we mean. instead of saying goodbye with a wave, tell them you love them! tell them how much they mean to you! are they special to you? tell them! you might be special to them to! to be happy you have to give! give! and you will receive! happiness! love! light!

now i sound like a freak. but its like... i've started feeling happy, being happy with my life, and now the happiness is pouring over me like a waterfall getting larger and heavier and more wonderful all the time!

religion?

if there is a "God" and "He" made us in his likeness. and if "He" loves us so much he sent us his only son to take away our sins. and if "He" created the earth, sun, moon, stars. wouldn't he want us to question everything? how can he expect us to follow each other blindly based on no facts into "heaven"? if the rapture happens, wouldn't anyone with any faith; be it in god, in earth, in hell, in nothing-ness, would they all be called upon to enter heaven's gates? the bumper stickers "in case of rapture, car will be un-manned". why would a god pour so much energy and love into creating LIFE and giving us free will, only to demand that we follow these strict rules of ONE religion, with no actual reason, no definite answer as to what following that religion will get you?

my religion is life. love and life and earth and air. beauty in fucking EVERYTHING. the cement (speak of the devil, "what if god was one of us" is now playing on the radio) poured from a truck made of metal that came - through a process - from the earth. the weeds growing on the side of the road, reaching for the sun. just like us. the weeds can't think, they have no brain, no mind, no ideas, but they still reach for the sky. grow as strong and fast and tall and proud as possible, its what they're meant to do. us. we are meant to be a part of the earth, because thats where we came from. we are here to praise the earth and each other and love and love and love.