jusht.

we move on christmas.

i'm excited for this house. i'm excited to start saving money. or at least paying off what needs to be paid.

i'm depressed about so much. its hard to get really truly happy. its so hard.

ahh crimmas.

it would be nice. just once. to kiss someone meaningful under the mistletoe.

"i think you kissed me. i think."

i think he likes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the world hurts

i don't know what it is, but i cannot stop feeling the pain of what we, as humans, are doing to our planet.

why are we buying our kids toy after toy, brand name after brand name, when there are children who've never seen a toy, might only have one shirt, one pair of pants, no shoes. they are starving. and we are killing them because we are not helping. if you do nothing, there will be nothing.

Albert Einstein said "Man is here for the sake of other men."

we need to help.

christmas is not about toys or what dish you're going to bring to dinner, its about love. this year i'm struggling with money. constant eviction notices, my car respossessed, enough food for only my little boys to eat. but even THAT is more than a lot of people have. i have a job, yes, i have friends and family that help, and i have the ability to help my fellow man.

i'm going to buy one gift this year. i'm going to save a child.

my world.

i wish everyone were happy.

i was asked once if i could have one super power, which would i choose? i think almost immediately i said i would want the power to make everyone happy. snap my fingers and you are happy. not ridiculously, heroin-forget-my-problems happy. just happy with who you are, where you are, who you're with. it is not that hard to be happy. it seems like people have forgotten. how do you show someone the way to happiness when there isn't a way? just BE happy.

people who don't know. me. "it's easy to say 'just be happy' when you have a good life and great kids..." blah blah. yeah right. my life is anything but easy. i am full to the brink with stress about money and raising my kids. but i do have a good life. i have friends that help if i ask. family to hang out with. a place to live (at least for now). a bed to sleep in. food to eat (sometimes). i am happy to be ALIVE! look at the leaves falling! the cold wind in your face! the rain that you avoid but secretly want to run through!

what would life be like if we all did and said the things we mean. instead of saying goodbye with a wave, tell them you love them! tell them how much they mean to you! are they special to you? tell them! you might be special to them to! to be happy you have to give! give! and you will receive! happiness! love! light!

now i sound like a freak. but its like... i've started feeling happy, being happy with my life, and now the happiness is pouring over me like a waterfall getting larger and heavier and more wonderful all the time!

religion?

if there is a "God" and "He" made us in his likeness. and if "He" loves us so much he sent us his only son to take away our sins. and if "He" created the earth, sun, moon, stars. wouldn't he want us to question everything? how can he expect us to follow each other blindly based on no facts into "heaven"? if the rapture happens, wouldn't anyone with any faith; be it in god, in earth, in hell, in nothing-ness, would they all be called upon to enter heaven's gates? the bumper stickers "in case of rapture, car will be un-manned". why would a god pour so much energy and love into creating LIFE and giving us free will, only to demand that we follow these strict rules of ONE religion, with no actual reason, no definite answer as to what following that religion will get you?

my religion is life. love and life and earth and air. beauty in fucking EVERYTHING. the cement (speak of the devil, "what if god was one of us" is now playing on the radio) poured from a truck made of metal that came - through a process - from the earth. the weeds growing on the side of the road, reaching for the sun. just like us. the weeds can't think, they have no brain, no mind, no ideas, but they still reach for the sky. grow as strong and fast and tall and proud as possible, its what they're meant to do. us. we are meant to be a part of the earth, because thats where we came from. we are here to praise the earth and each other and love and love and love.

skate around the clock

Roller Derby!?

YES!!!!!!!!

So far on board: me. amelia. kristin. jen f.

I need roller skates. hehe. And pads! I want to be ruthless.

5 people on a team. one pivot. one jammer. three blockers.

the jammer tries to race around the pack, every time she passes the other team she scores a point.

i don't think i'm fast enough to be the jammer. maybe the pivot? i'm a weakling, so maybe not a blocker, though i think that'd be the funnest one. hmm...

brain tornado

ideas.


i could work part time, taking the kids to amelia's in the morning so i get off at noon, or maybe work three days a week. how much would i be making if i worked three 8 hour days? how much would we be saving in daycare?

what if i didn't work at all? i'd have $385 for income. ehhhh no.

then of course, me switching my schedule entirely so i can stay home during the day. full time evenings/swing.

or full time but starting at 1? four hours of daycare a day?


also random thought. DEFINITE WORM BIN.

ajumble

what is one thing i can do starting tomorrow to start appreciating who i am as a person, beautiful and healthy.

spend ONE HOUR of every night doing something with the kids. no interruptions.

i love my kids.

i look like WHAT

why do people say things like "i wish i was gutsy enough to shave my head like you"? no you don't. don't lie. i don't care. i like being different than you, why would i want you to shave your head like me? why would i look down on you or differently at you because you didn't shave it? and no you do NOT want to shave your head. you are a pretty pretty princess girl. nothing wrong with it. you're pretty, you always were, you always will be. you never wanted to shave your head, in fact, when you look at my pictures you think 'what the fuck, she looks like a boy'.

don't tell me you like the way i look when i know you don't. i don't CARE if you don't like it. just be honest. i will smile and appreciate that you told the truth for once. my style is just that. mine. i do it for myself. you don't need to like it in order to be my friend.

family?

communal living?

guineafowl
tv
garden
cooking
cleaning
children
schooling
internet
weekends
laundry
fighting
bedtimes
guests
intention?
toys
money
goat
roxy
george?
food





why aren't we already doing this?

asshole of the year?

i fucking hate aaron.

yes i wrote it down.

i hate him.

i have never ever hated someone so much in my life. and it sickens me that we had SEX and made a beautiful baby (well that part doesn't sicken me haha).

he owes me so much in child support. and he can't pay because his bills are more important. than his child. which i already knew isaiah wasn't too important to him because he moved across the fucking country. and now aaron wants to VISIT. fuck you. FUCK you. we don't want you here. we NEED your MONEY. do you know what its like to get eviction notices EVERY MONTH?! do you know what its like to not have food in the house for your kids? do you know how it is to not be able to pay for diapers?

goddammit. he is. a scary mother fucker. i can't even tell him this for fear he will flip out and take isaiah away.

i contacted a lawyer who gave me advice. i should turn in the custody papers and ask for the fees to be waived. its $400. i need to do this before the child support order goes through and his wages get garnished. i have a feeling he will not be happy.

i hate him. i absolutely have no feeling for him other than disgusting hatred.

WOMEN

sometimes i seriously HATE being a fucking chick.

though. maybe its only me. (i doubt it.)

but females of all flavors SUCK.

we fuck with men's heads. we play games. we make them fall in love with us and then we stomp on their hearts and minds. we are sexy as fuck and can make men do anything. or we're ugly as sin and they don't want anything to do with us. we're bitchy. hormonal. jealous. whiny. rude. sweet. kind. we have BOOBS. we are sick in the head. we want love but we want good sex and they don't come together.

i hate us.

ronery

my head is jumbled.

i need time for me.

i need money.

i need... someone to care about me. *sigh*

pity party.

:D

i'm so weird.

done!

yeahhhh. i thought i'd feel... sad or something. but i feel... like a weight has been lifted. too much drama. i need to simplify my life.

starting with michael. he's out.

selling my van. top priority.

buying a bike that is 2 kid friendly.

getting a cheaper phone.

hmmm...

i know there is more...

explain please

how can you be a vegetarian - for ANY reason, morals, health, taste, etc. - and do things like... smoke cigarettes? or drink 4 diet pepsi's a day? eat peanut butter cups for breakfast?


i'm not a vegetarian. i don't want to be. i enjoy vegetarian food. i like vegan food. i like gluten free food. i'll try anything. i don't claim to be a health nut. but i feel healthier than a lot of veggie's claim to be. i don't drink soda. i don't smoke. i eat a good breakfast and lunch and try to make a good dinner every night. and YOU look down on ME because i eat MEAT!?


what the eff.

i'm so fucking poor

wow. i am so incredibly fucked. where the fuck is all my money? oh. oh yeah... the douche bag that inseminated me owes me A BILLION MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS. in reality he owes me over $3,000.

thursday midday

tomorrow is david's last day at work. it makes me almost want to cry. i am actually trying hard not to think about it. i'm gonna be stuck here with claire. nobody to talk to. or make fun of. i hope they hire somebody at least half as cool. :( we took pictures today of all of us on day crew. i'll post some later when i get home.

and jen from for your pleasure called me! i have to call her back but she wants to get me started on selling!!!!! MY GOD I AM SO EXCITED!!!!! I can do this. I know this sex stuff. i wouldn't say i'm a terrific seller, but if i act like a retard people will buy from me because they feel sorry for me, right? :D

middle of the month

nearing the end of the month and here is where i begin to panic. my rent is due on the first. i won't be able to pay it. i still owe two late fees for my past late rental payments. i can't pay my daycare. i can't make my car payment. i haven't paid car insurance in months. i have too much debt, collectors calling every day, calling me, my family, my friends, my work. i don't spend frivolously. i can't buy my kids clothing or toys. i get $88 a month for food stamps. i pay every bill late and stagger them around so i'm never too far behind but one thing is always in danger of being shut off. i want to go to school. but i can't. i'm watching everyone achieve things and fly by me and i'm sitting with my kids on the curb playing with sticks. at least we're happy. even when i get my 3rd eviction notice this august i'm going to feel the way i always feel when i get one: first, horrendous fright. second, stupid calm. third, chillllllllll. because. if i have to sell all my shit and live on people's couches with my kids. i'll have nothing left to lose BUT my kids. and they will never leave me. i will never leave them. you can be happy with nothing. ... but i still don't want to be evicted.