middle of the month

nearing the end of the month and here is where i begin to panic. my rent is due on the first. i won't be able to pay it. i still owe two late fees for my past late rental payments. i can't pay my daycare. i can't make my car payment. i haven't paid car insurance in months. i have too much debt, collectors calling every day, calling me, my family, my friends, my work. i don't spend frivolously. i can't buy my kids clothing or toys. i get $88 a month for food stamps. i pay every bill late and stagger them around so i'm never too far behind but one thing is always in danger of being shut off. i want to go to school. but i can't. i'm watching everyone achieve things and fly by me and i'm sitting with my kids on the curb playing with sticks. at least we're happy. even when i get my 3rd eviction notice this august i'm going to feel the way i always feel when i get one: first, horrendous fright. second, stupid calm. third, chillllllllll. because. if i have to sell all my shit and live on people's couches with my kids. i'll have nothing left to lose BUT my kids. and they will never leave me. i will never leave them. you can be happy with nothing. ... but i still don't want to be evicted.